Hey all,
it's been a while. I have been very hectic with my assignments especially my Technical English 2. Even now I have to write a report for it and prepare for my final exams. I don't even have any time for myself to play Shogi at all! =/
However tonight's a little special so I've decided to write a blog entry. I just had a chat with my female childhood friend and it made me realise and clear most of my thoughts. But let's start from my childhood, shall we?
Since we're childhood friends, I started knowing about her when we're in primary one but we were never that close. I was a nobody back then, and just a kid who often gets pushed around by bullies and even teachers! It's not hard to notice her presence back then because she was exceptionally cute....and beautiful. Just like any guys most guys would probably be interested in her. With little self-confident when I was a kid, I rarely talked to her but at least we know each other by heart. I switched to another school when I was primary four because the bullying gets worser than my parents had imagined. I thought I won't be able to see her again because she was one of the few kids who were nice and kind to me eventhough I had a problematic attitude. Days go by slowly in my new school with my new friends and I was never that close with my friends because of various reasons but when I started my primary 5 she actually switched to my school and we were in the same class again! I was really amazed to see her again! That was the first time in my whole life that I gathered all of my courage and talk to her more - I was a shy person when it comes to talking to girls, even now (eventhough I may not look like it but if my friends are reading this please recall that I spend about 95% of my time with guys, not girls). I guess that's when we started becoming a proper friends. Most male kids during that age would tease their friend when guys and girls get together but it didn't bother me at all - I was pretty amazed about myself too! Thanks to her, that's when I probably learn how to power-boost my confidence and courage when facing challenges or problems throughout my life.
Then I started questioning myself - do I actually like her? Do I actually love her? However the questions come to a halt when I first learn that my first love is another girl called JJ (name is fictional). Since my friendship with my childhood friend is rather close (now naming her 'LSH'), I always thought of her as a sister whom I should protect with my life. As time goes by, our friendship starts to weaken - we were no longer as we are used to be. After the love rejection from JJ, whom I've confessed my love during my primary 6, I struggled for about 6 years trying to get her off my mind. I've tried various methods and one of the method is loving another girl. It was crazy for me back then to have my thoughts and feelings messed up by forcing myself to like other girls, including LSH. Again I had to question myself whether I really love LSH or not but those feelings were never real. In the end I was able to get my mind off JJ just by simply investing my time more on online games and my best friends during my secondary 5. It was hell. LSH and I were never as close as we used to be when we're kids. Nowadays even if I tried to have a talk with her it'll just end back as a blank conversation. Maybe because I'm a boring person, or maybe because we don't have anything common to talk about - I don't know. As time passed by LSH gradually become more and more beautiful than before, almost all the guys would drool over her. I would drool for her if I want to however my love for JJ was too strong that it had prevented me to get interested in LSH. To make things worse, it just makes me harder to have a talk with her since she's so beautiful and I'm just shying away about talking to girls.
After graduating from my highschool I went to West Malaysia to pursue my studies and during my time in Malaysia I've never fallen in love or get interested in any of the girls at all. Two years just passed by quietly between me and LSH without any personal life-talk or whatsoever. On my second year in Malaysia, one of my best friend CHY (name is fictional) came to Malaysia too for her studies. We sometimes would spend a day together to talk about our life or spend a great time together just simply having a tea. I've talked to CHY a few times about my friendship between LSH (not only her but my other friends as well) however one day CHY said this to me which have a great impact on me, "Ryou, I think you're in love with her." I was surprised. How is it possible for me to love a girl whom I have been treating as a sister to me all these times? I told CHY about my real feelings towards LSH but she said that deep down in my heart I actually do love her. Confused by her remark I reconsider my feelings once again - is that the real reason why I haven't been able to love any girls during my stay in Malaysia? I once again start questioning myself about my love for her. What I do know is my love for her is not that "extreme", unlike my love for JJ. You see, when I was in love with JJ, I spent most of my time thinking about her like if I'm going down the town will I be able to see her or if I stay in class will she be staying in class too. But never with LSH. However there is still a possibility that I might be in love with LSH.
The questionings continued until this year around March. It was a love at first sight for me when I met one of my juniors in my college. Hate to admit it eventhough she's not really that beautiful I was attracted by her personality. Then again it have finally made a conclusion between me and my feelings for LSH. Just now I just had a conversation with her to realise and confront my feelings towards her. After a short conversation I fully understood that I've never love her in the first place. However for some strange reason I feel depressed about it. I guess I feel a little sad about it because I think it would be a great thing for me if I have actually fallen in love with her. She's a great woman afterall. Maybe CHY is right.... or maybe she's wrong. Only time can tell, I guess. However I want to keep believing that LSH will always be a great friend to me - ALWAYS. And forever. Deep down in my heart I sincerely wish her for her happiness in life.
Well, I really do hope I can update my journal at least once per week again after my exams in May. Until then, I hope you all would take great care of yourself and always have an amazing time everyday. Cheers!
Regards,
Ryou Takehito
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
